Every step I took in life was aimed at realizing my goal of becoming a child psychiatrist. From the jobs I took, to even my romantic preferences unknowingly gravitating towards individuals in the medical field, specifically doctors. I would always say, “doctors are attracted to me," but now I know that doctors were the only ones I would allow to pursue me. This deep-rooted desire stemmed from my childhood perception of doctors as benevolent figures.

Upon completing my undergraduate studies and then reluctantly setting my sights on graduate school before applying to medical school, I knew something would have to eventually give. I knew in my heart I did not want to be in school anymore. I had lost my love and zest for school; it had become a frustrating and hard means to an end. But I didn't see a way out of that trajectory I had created for myself. To stop would mean I was a failure, right? But in my heart I did want to stop, but again I didn't know how to.

However, a serendipitous encounter with a documentary subject reshaped my perspective. The documentary featured individuals in diverse professions, but it was the theater actress's remark that brought in a strong epiphany for me at such a pivotal moment in my life and career. The actress was a small town, theater actress who also taught children the arts. She said when she was younger her dream was to become a big Hollywood movie star. I could relate to her as that was once my dream too, but I had instead chosen the intellectual path because I figured I had more control over it than having to always audition for parts and be at somebody else’s mercy.

She went on to say that she ran herself ragged going to audition after audition without getting the results she desired. She was putting in maximum effort and still not getting her desired results. Then one day she decided to stop and self-evaluate, reflecting on her life and goals. She decided to ask herself some pertinent questions about why those goals were important to her. 

Why do you want to be an Hollywood actress? she asked herself.
Her answer was because she enjoyed the arts, orchestrating the shows, and having an audience come out to enjoy it.

Her introspection led her to realize that her ultimate goal was not fame in Hollywood, but rather the fulfillment derived from engaging with audiences and orchestrating performances.

And alas, the light bulb moment came for her. She realized she could fulfill those desires even if they were not on as grand of a scale as Hollywood.

Right in that moment I decided to ask myself the same questions, as I too was at a crossroads and needed answers.

Why do you want to be a child psychiatrist so badly, Simone?
Why that career specifically and not a counselor or anything else?

Be absolutely brutally honest with yourself.

It was at that moment of reflection that I traced the origin of that desire. I saw myself as a 5 year old child daydreaming about visiting patients in hospital rooms and making them laugh and happy. Oh, wow, I thought to myself. That was where it started, it was there when I was 5. But why did it begin then, what triggered that desire?

It was my older cousin, he was badly hurt on that day, there was a board with nails embedded in his head, he was bleeding profusely. Everyone was crying, we thought he was going to die. A motorcycle came by and took him to that faraway hospital out of our rural community. I was so worried for him. But he had come back days later, alive and well.

I had known I didn't want to deal with blood after seeing how badly hurt he was but I wanted to be a doctor and make things better for others, as it was for him. My desire to become a doctor had come from a deep emotional reaction I had to seeing my cousin severely injured.

However, I now question whether this desire stemmed from a true calling or was it there simply because of an emotional response beyond my comprehension as a 5-year-old. Was it a true desire, or a sad emotional connection I could not analyze intently as a 5 year old child? 
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Again, my inner voice asked, Okay, Simone, Great. Now that you can see where it stemmed from, tell me more. Why do you still want to be a doctor, a child psychiatrist, what is it about that career field that makes you want to be that?

 My answers:

1. To Help Vulnerable Children: If you can help children in their childhood it changes the entire trajectory of their life. It gives them a chance to thrive instead of merely surviving or tolerating their adulthood.

2. Prestige and Respect: Having a doctor title is quite prestigious and respected in society.

3. Financial Stability: They make good money.

Great, now do you have to be a child psychiatrist to be able to help children, have prestige and make good money?

Bingo. No, no, I do not. I could receive those 3 core desires in myriad ways.

The world’s playing field had opened up to me. I could do and become anything I desired to become or try out as long as those three core goals were being met.

I realized there exist numerous paths to achieve these goals beyond a singular career choice. This newfound perspective broadened my horizons, unveiling myriad of possibilities to make a meaningful impact, earn respect, and secure financial stability.

Right away, I stopped stressing about my graduate school application. I knew I did not desire to be in school anymore. I was just simply going through the motions of what I thought was the next step but absolutely despising it.

I realized that the decisions I had been making for my life up until that point was based on an emotional reaction I had as a 5 year old child. My desire to be a doctor as altruistic as it seemed was not a deep inner calling but a 5 year old child thinking it was cool to be a doctor who saved lives. I’m done with that cycle of my life.

That realization was transformative for me. Imagine, a five year old child living out my adulthood for me, but that was exactly what was happening and how I was living my life.

As far as fulfilling those 3 career desires, I’ve done that. All else is bonuses.

-My mom and I co-founded a non-profit organization that helps our community in Jamaica. Our annual initiatives provide essentials such as food, toys and school supplies to children and families in the community. This endeavor not only fulfilled my desire for aiding children but extended to benefit the community at large.

-As I delve deeper into my spiritual journey, I discovered an internal prestige and fulfillment independent of external titles or accolades. This intrinsic self-worth transcends materialistic pursuits, grounding me in a profound self-assurance that no external validation could match.

-Money, well I have that too lol. Of course more wouldn’t hurt.

Financially stable and emotionally fulfilled, I realized that my initial career path had served its purpose. I embraced a newfound freedom to explore diverse opportunities, unshackled from the constraints of outdated dreams. The pursuit of wealth transformed into a holistic approach to abundance encompassing spiritual enrichment and community service.