The arrival of fall heralded a new chapter, a season of change. I had been working at my new job for a little over a month now. On this particular day, I caught the shuttle into work from the train station instead of walking. After getting off the shuttle, I made a pit stop to the restroom. As I got out of the restroom, I noticed a guy all the way down the hallway; he was smiling at me and holding the door open for me.

That’s weird, I thought to myself. Why is he holding the door for me from so far away? Dude, just let it go; I can open it myself. You don’t have to stand there and wait, I naively thought to myself, not really picking up on his motive in the moment.

I think he was waiting there the entire time for me, as I think I had noticed him walking behind me before I went into the restroom. He may have even been on the shuttle with me.

I finally got to the door he was holding open.

“Thank you,” I told him.

“My pleasure,” he replied, a smile glowing on his face.

And then he was still there, walking with me, talking to me. What does he want, I thought to myself.

“Are you one of the PhD students?” he asked.

“Oh, no. I work in the admissions office,” I told him, wondering if he had mistaken me for somebody else.

“Oh, okay,” he said. “My name’s Anankoni, what’s yours?”

Why is this man still talking to me, I wondered. He wasn’t bad on the eyes and was kind enough to open the door for me, so I continued to talk to him, not wanting to come off as rude.

“Oh wow, that’s a different name; I don’t think I can even say it. I’m Simone.”

He smiled. “Nice to meet you, Simone.”

“Here, try to say it; I’ll help you,” he continued.

“Can you say it again?” I asked him.

“Yes, Anankoni, spelled A.n.a.n.k.o.n.i.”

“Okay, Anan koni,” I said hesitantly.

“Yes, you got it,” he said, smiling.

At this point, I wasn’t thinking anything of this guy, not if he’s cute or ugly, just nothing. I was completely neutral toward him, as the only guy on my radar was Josh.

“I’ve noticed you around the campus a couple of times now and wanted to talk to you, but you were always on your phone. And then I noticed you wore a wedding ring sometimes, so I wasn’t sure if you were married. Are you married?” he asked.

“Really?” I replied, “this is my first time ever seeing you. No, I’m not married, but sometimes I wear the ring so people won’t bother me,” I told him candidly.

I know what you’re thinking, that maybe Josh thought I was married, too. Nope, I never wore a faux wedding ring around Josh. I just wore it when I was going to lunch or going home and didn’t want to be bothered. I’m not saying I was “bothered” all the time because I wasn’t. I don’t know, maybe I just liked the idea of wearing a wedding ring then. I would take it off once I got back to my office and home.

He smiled his warm smile again. “That’s a good idea,” he confirmed.

But apparently, me wearing a wedding ring didn’t stop his curiosity or eventual approach. Men, I thought. Wow, I really need to be more aware of my surroundings. I’m way too Josh crazy, I briefly thought to myself. Because really, this was my first time ever seeing this guy in my life. He must’ve heard my absolute infatuation of Josh as that’s the only thing I ever talked about on the phone with my friends. So why does he still seem so eager to talk to me, I wondered.

“Ok, well nice meeting you An….”

“Anankoni,” he replied when I couldn’t pronounce his name again.

“Oh yes, Anankoni. It’s going to take me a while to learn how to say it,” I told him.

He smiled again, “It’s no problem, Simone; it’s usually hard for most people to say it. Nice to finally meet you, too.”

Then I walked to my office while he turned to walk away in the opposite direction. That was interesting, I thought to myself. A little weird too, but whatever. Back to my regularly scheduled program. I wondered if Josh was here today. I hoped to see him and make googly eyes with him.
​

On the days that followed our initial introduction, I noticed Anankoni around the campus in all the familiar places I would be. Oh, he was right, he must have seen me around the campus quite often, I thought to myself. Since he had introduced himself to me, I now noticed him everywhere, when before, he was quite honestly invisible to me. The first time I saw him again after our initial introduction, I was in the courtyard as he came strolling by with 2 of his classmates, "Hello, Simone," he greeted me with a big smile. "Hi, An, oh I forget how to say your name, but I do remember it's spelled A-n-a-n-k-o-n-i. "It's no problem," he said with a smile, "It's Anankoni."

On the third day after our initial meeting, I noticed Anankoni walking by my office and peering in. I pretended not to see him as he walked past my office and went around the corner.

Oh my gosh, what the fuck was this guy doing at my office? Why the hell was he here? I wondered. I still felt neutral towards him, but seeing him there made me feel a bit anxious, embarrassed, as all my coworkers were there, yet it evoked a little excitement that he was going all in. How did he even know where I worked?’ Oh, that’s right, I had told him on that first day without even thinking anything about it or thinking he would use it for an ulterior motive. Honestly, I had naively thought our brief introduction would be the last of Anankoni, or that maybe I would see him around the campus and say a brief hello to him. I had absolutely no romantic interest in him, or at least, it didn't even cross my mind. And, it didn't even cross my mind that he may be interested in me, I mean, I guess it made sense given his interactions with me, but I didn't even consider it. 

After all, I was already spoken for by Josh, not really, but you get my drift. I was completely tunnel vision with my attraction for Josh that I didn't stop to consider anyone or anything else. I didn’t even know if Josh was single as he hadn’t approached me yet. But I didn’t really care if he was taken; I arrogantly assumed that even if he had a girlfriend, with enough time of seeing me, he would break up with her and ask me out. I don’t know, I guess as a girl, if you’re only interested in one person and one person alone, you’re not really thinking about anyone else, nor do you really care for anyone else to pop up on your radar.

I secretly hoped Anankoni wouldn’t pass by again, yet I knew he would, and in a way, my curiosity was a little piqued.

From my first introduction with Anankoni, I’ve always felt conflicting feelings towards him; neutral yet flattered, annoyed yet intrigued, and so forth, and it would be like that for the entirety of the time I knew him. This, but that. It was all so conflicting. But this was just the beginning of what was to unfold.

I busied myself with work, knowing he would undoubtedly circle back around.
​

I hesitantly looked up to see if he had made his way back. He did make his way back, but I pretended not to see him. Internally, I tried to gather myself, what would I do about him now, ugh.

I don’t know why he thought it was appropriate to come to my office, or maybe he didn’t think.

He stood outside my office door for a moment, looking in as all my coworkers took notice of him. Ugh, I groaned within.

“Why is he just standing out there?” one of my coworkers asked, “Who is he here for?” I looked up, and he waved at me as all my coworkers oohed and ahhed. Ugh, I thought again. I guess I can’t hold off any longer.

I waved back at him and then on impulse got up to meet him outside my office door so it wouldn’t be even more awkward than it already was.

“Hi Simone,” he greeted me jovially.

“Hello,” I said, already forgetting how to say his name, not thinking I would ever need to say it again.

“Umm, I wanted to ask you for your number and if I could take you out sometime,” he said confidently.

Ugh. I hoped Josh didn’t walk by as this was our hallway.

What could I say to this man? In one sense, I was flattered, but in another, I didn’t know him. All I really knew was he was bold and unexpected and in a sense I applauded his efforts and vulnerability.

“Sure, this is my number,” I gave it to him as he smiled and put it in his phone. But I felt almost like I didn’t have a choice, like just take it because I can’t really reject you while everyone is looking. Right? But then again, I didn’t know if I even wanted to reject him. It was all just happening too fast without me having time to even think about what was happening or to even process it. I was simply going through the motion, but no feeling was behind my decision to give him my number.

Technically, I didn't know anything about him and I didn’t know if I liked him or didn’t like enough to give him my number. But alas, a decision was made. I mean, of course, if it was Josh, I would’ve for sure liked it. But this man, I'd only briefly met him but actually not even thinking about him outside our brief greetings. So, this caught me completely off-guard.

I guess with all of my other likes and relationships, as few as they were then, it took its time and happened more organically where we were both aware of each other and knew there were some feelings of attraction or connection there. But this was all just so forward and so much in the moment, maybe not for him as he had said he had seen me around many times before but I hadn't ever seen him before those brief moments. It’s not like I had swiped right on his profile, and he on mine. He was a complete stranger off the street that I had no awareness of, and now he was invading my office, asking for my number, and I couldn’t slow it down. I’m not saying he was a bad person, and I may have actually liked him too, but this was too much and happening too fast. I couldn't process any of it, so all I was doing was reacting in the moment, and going through the motions without the intentionality of the decision.
​

 “There’s a celebrity on the campus who likes me,” I told my sisters when I got home.

“Really? Let’s see him,” they replied.

I typed in his name on google, and everything about him popped up, even info on him matriculating into the University I worked at.

“Wow, Simone, that’s so cool,” they voiced off.

“Yea, I guess,” I replied, not really knowing how I felt about him and the whole scenario. I felt unsure about him, even looking at his pictures didn’t move me or do anything for me. He was really attractive, but I didn’t feel anything for him. Yet, I felt as though now that I knew who he was and knew that he liked me, that I had to give him a chance. Right? It almost felt as though I was being forced into a decision based on what looked good on paper but not necessarily on how I was feeling. But it wasn’t his fault really; it’s not like he dumped it all on me. But then it was, if he hadn’t shown up at my office, my coworkers wouldn’t have dumped all of it on me, and I would have gotten the time to warm up to the idea of him the next time I saw him on the campus. But alas, that didn’t happen.

I was so confused, so muddled. It was like the perfect scenario had dropped into my lap, yet I didn’t feel like I was given a fair chance to come to my own decision about it. Everyone practically forced him down my throat.

Some of the rest is a blur to me in the sense that it didn’t feel like a conscious, intentional choice I was making but more so like I was being energetically forced to be in a contractual romance with him, and I was merely going through the motions of it. I mean, he was nice enough, attractive, but I felt nothing for him, but then I did. But not a normal feeling of like, but more so a feeling that felt like I had to be there because everyone said I should and maybe I liked the idea that I was making a choice that everyone seemed to envy. Yet again, I didn’t feel any feelings towards it.

We looked good together; he checked all the right boxes, everyone around me liked him, my family, my coworkers, my friends, but even though I thought I liked him, I don’t think I did. It was a different like, one moment I felt as though it was what I wanted or desired, but then not feeling that way. I felt that consciously I liked him, but somewhere within me, a part of me that I was ignoring was rebelling against this ‘contractual’ situation.
​

 All throughout dating him, he never mentioned his fame, none of it. It felt inauthentic. I mean, he shared other personal details about himself, such as being a school teacher, enjoying the arts, but not going deeply into it. And of course, sharing his love for his family but never about his other career and fame, and I wasn’t going to bring it up that my coworkers had already told me.

“Did you know Anankoni was in that movie,” one of his friends mentioned to me one day as we were spending time together at their house.

“No,” I said, looking at him inquisitively.

“Don’t listen to him,” he replied back and dropped the conversation.

I didn’t like that. At this point, I thought he could’ve shared who he was. It’s not like it really mattered to me anyhow, aside from the possible authenticity of our interaction.

I don’t really know why he didn’t share that side of himself with me; maybe he wanted an authentic connection without the outside knowledge of that area of his life. But at some point, the two would have to merge. But it never did. Eventually, after wasting more time with him, I started to cut ties with him.

And even after ending our connection, there were a few times he’d see me walking home from the campus, and he’d stop and ask me if I wanted a ride. On this particular day, it was dark outside, he’d stopped and asked, “Simone, can I give you a ride home?”

I really wanted to say, “no thank you,” but something about him and his energy made me easily comply, almost against my will, as though it wasn’t a question but a silent demand. I awkwardly got in his truck that I had sat in on many occasions before but now it felt strange to be sitting there next to him. I wondered why he even cared about giving me a ride home. A ride I really didn’t want. But maybe he was simply being nice.

“You can make a left on that street,” I told him once we got close to where I lived.

“I know where you live, Simone,” he said simply.

When he got to my house, he stopped his truck and looked over at me as though there was more he wanted to say but didn’t.

“Well, thanks for the ride. See you,” I told him as I quickly disembarked his truck.

But there were sweet moments too; where I didn't question our connection, like the first time I went over to his house, before we kissed.

“I don’t know about you, but my lips get so chapped in the cold.” He took out about five chapsticks.

“Would you like some?” he asked.

I shook my head yes.

“I haven’t used this one yet, here,” he gave it to me, and I put it on. I wouldn’t have mind using the others.

He watched me closely as I put his chapstick on my lips while I bashfully looked down. After I finished, I gave it back to him.

He took it from me, put the others down, and used the one I had given him back on his own lips. It was quite intimate. I watched him as he had watched me. Something about him giving me the fresh chapstick to use and then using it right after me was sensual in such a simplistic way. I could really like him after all, I thought to myself in that moment.

And other times, I would share some of my dreams and aspirations with him and he believed it all, every last one of them. He was the first one who ever did. The few people I had mentioned them to before thought they were too big, too impossible. But not Anankoni, he believed them all, believed they were all possible for me, even when I wasn't too confident about them yet. I liked that avbout him. Nothing was impossible with him.

But despite moments of sweetness and intimacy, doubts lingered beneath the surface. 

In the end, as I reflect on the journey we shared, I realize the importance of staying true to self amidst the noise of external influences and to not go into a situation based on other people’s desires or how good it looks on paper.

Authenticity, I've come to understand, lies in embracing the totality of your experiences, merging all the aspects of self, and not just the parts you want to show. Secrets, and duplicity does not resonate or make for an authentic connection. I feel that people must allow the totality of their experiences to meet and merge with who they are now.

Trust, connect, merge knowing that regardless of the outcome, whether harmonious or discordant, each experience gets us closer and closer to our true self, serving as stepping stones toward self-discovery and growth.

​I’ll leave it at this, reliving these experiences through my writing has brought an air of nostalgia and a sense of missed opportunity. Memories are interesting; it harps on the pleasantries, often overlooking those nuanced moments of incompatibility; seeing the beauty and forgetting the insanity. But alas, nothing is ever a loss but an opportunity to get closer and closer to our true essence.

May this reflection serve as a testament to the transformative power of introspection and self-discovery, guiding us toward a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.