Mr. Beautiful

Thursday, August 31, 2023

truth about Fatherless Men

Mr. Beautiful

I met him over the summer of my 19th year. He was the most physically beautiful man I had ever seen; then and now. Nobody I had ever seen in real life or even in the movies had ever surpassed his beauty. Simply put, I had never met a man more beautiful than him. There wasn't one thing about him physically that I did not like. He had put all of my high school crushes to shame.

I admired him from afar, maybe even placed him in a few daydreams. For some reason, looking at him made me smile. But he was not someone I wanted to possess or even be with, at least, not yet, not now. The thought didn't even cross my mind or maybe, fleetingly it did. I was okay with merely admiring him from afar and placing him in some of my elusive dreams.

I first saw him after I had just broken up with a boyfriend, who at the time, I thought I had loved or wanted to be with. But even then, that boyfriend was just merely somebody to occupy my time. It didn't hurt that he wasn't bad on the eyes and was heading towards a prestigious career in the medical field. However, I never really liked him in the way that I envisioned a woman liking a man. I think I grew to like him and mildly cared about him because everybody else around me were so enthralled and intrigued by him. Also, because of his persistence and confidence in getting my attention. And, his career, attractiveness and the fact that all of my coworkers were smitten by him was an added bonus.

So, I thought, why not, if everybody else liked him, and he's fully pursuing me, then why shouldn't I date him. Maybe they innately knew something about men that I didn't know quite yet (they didn't). But as for sparks, he never really did it for me. Albeit, there was a time, I would've told you differently. I think I wanted something more to be there than it was; forcing myself to feel something more with him - probably because everything about him on paper was right. And for a little while I temporarily deceived myself into believing it too, desiring it to work despite the red flags and lack of spark, simply because it looked good to the people around me.

Although I was the one who had broken up with him -letting the relationship fizzle out; I was feeling mildly unsure about where I wanted to go next in my life, education and with any romantic prospects.

The feelings that he invoked in me

It was during this time that I first saw him. Him being, Mr. Beautiful. His name was John, I would find this out a year later. John was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. Something about him made me happy, sure and optimistic about life. It's funny because when I finally met him, the feelings that he invoked within me were feelings of unsureness, inexperience, intimidation and a kind of naivety that I did not yet know how to release. All I knew was I needed more experience before being with a man like him. And not just romantic experience but life experience.

Do not confuse what I am saying as unrealistically placing John on a pedestal. I did not place him on a pedestal. In fact, I had dated and had been pursued by men who were outwardly older, more experienced, and even more successful than John and I was not intimidated by any of them.

However, John invoked feelings within me that I had never felt before, simply by his mere presence. He did this without trying. There was a magnetism within our energy field that was both pulling us together while simultaneously repelling us apart. Although I was the one who did all of the repelling. But I will get into that a little later. John was dauntingly successful and eerily beautiful and there was something about him that madly intrigued me, turned me on and made me both confident and timid in his presence. But that would come later on. For now, he was nice eye-candy to occupy my time and day at work.

Do you see what I see? 

From time to time, I would see John walking around the medical school campus that I worked at. It was summer, and he was a stranger I had never seen before.

Even if he wanted to blend in, he naturally stood out. He walked with poise, and confidence and dressed as though he had just walked off the cover of a GQ magazine. I could tell right away he was an important man. There was something about that campus that brought the best of the best in men. I knew he was not a student. I think I briefly heard through the grapevines that he was teaching a course to some of the medical students. It both baffled, confused and intrigued me. John was young, and I had never seen a medical school professor as young or as fine as him. I guessed his age to be at least mid 20s and no older than 30. Although I was only 19, somehow, I felt almost like a failure watching his success from the sidelines; while contradictory I was still proud of him.

I did not see John every day, only from time to time. I now know that as I was slyly watching him whenever he came across my path, he, too, was watching me. But my infatuation with John did not go any further than my mind. I was quite happy and content. I was working, going to school and figuring out which path I wanted to take in life, and I was sure I was close to making a decision about my future career. Working at the medical school made me realize that I definitely wanted to go into the medical field, so that was a step closer to my goal than I was before.

As the days went by, I kept seeing more and more of John. I did not acknowledge him but welcomed the pleasant surprise of seeing his face more often. As I said before, although I was a bit intrigued and infatuated by him, I did not consider him in any romantic way. I don't know why. I was quite confident, knew I was beautiful, knew I attracted all caliber of men but for some reason, I did not consider John more than an infatuation. Maybe at the time, I thought he was just a pretty face. I don't know.

The faithful meeting- Do you feel what I feel?

Then one day, we came face to face with each other. I was in the basement of the building that I worked in, pushing an empty cart back from a file room I had just came back from. I was headed towards a passageway to catch the elevator back to my floor. I heard some noise and commotion in that vicinity. As I turned the corner, John was there.

He was surrounded by a group of ladies hugging him and telling him they missed him. He was smiling and laughing with them. "Natural charisma, too," I thought to myself. His interaction didn't make me feel jealous; again, I didn't view John in a possessive way. Instead, I admired his gravitational pull and liked that others found him pleasant to be around.

They were deeply enthralled in their conversation as I pushed my cart to the elevator, without saying a word. I pressed the elevator button and waited for it. I almost cursed the cart for being so damn bulky and big. Of all the times for me to come face to face with John, why did it have to be when I was pushing this annoyingly conspicuous cart.

Nonetheless, I did not flinch. John and the ladies were still behind me chatting it up. I still remember what I was wearing. I was wearing a white and green sundress that I loved. My hair was long and flowing. I was stunning.

As I waited for the elevator, John said goodbye to the ladies he was chatting with and came over to stand next to me. He didn't say a word, nor did I.

I reveled in the closeness and wondered if he could feel what I felt.

There was definitely chemistry there, but at the time, I thought it was one-sided because of the infatuation I had built up within my mind for him. Nonetheless, the elevator finally arrived after what felt like hours standing there alone-with him, in the silence. I naturally got in first, pushed my floor button, so I didn't have to ask him to and then pushed my annoyingly big and loud cart around; it was my Achilles heel.

John came in and stood next to me at the back of the elevator.

The elevator door closed.

We were by ourselves.

For the first time, we were alone together.

I reveled in this knowingness.

The Elevator ride

The elevator ride was tense and uncomfortable. Charged with electromagnetism all around us. If I could go back I would envision electrons and protons -positive and negative floating around us in the air, dancing an excited melody. But all I noticed was the tenseness between us.

Neither of us spoke. And I wondered if he was feeling the connection and magnetic pull as I was. He must be, I thought to myself. This cannot just be my imagination. I basked in his closeness, wished it to never end, yet at the same time, I wished it to end as fast as possible so I could curl up and die.

I was mad that the elevator ride was so tense and that he did not speak to me, albeit, he was bubbly and talkative just a few minutes before. But at the same time a part of me understood why neither of us could utter a word. The moment was too sacred, too charged. The space between us - too intimate. What could we dare say in the moment that could convey everything that was occurring.

This was beyond the mundane of formalities. We were in the presence of magic. How could we dare utter a word.

We could not.

We did not.

In doing so, we would break the magic occurring all around us.

Between us.

And to top it off, I don’t know how it was possible but time seemed to have slowed down while we were in the elevator together. I had never experienced that before, well, once before with another boy so long ago but for a different reason. And come to think of it, time had slowed down while I waited for the elevator - enough so for John to finish his affairs in a natural manner. Then to come stand beside me while we waited for the elevator for what felt like hours. Was he a master of time? (I think to myself now or maybe it was I, the moment or even the chemistry between us that slowed down the hand of time and made it irrelevant).

It was as though once I entered that hallway, I had entered a time warp that allowed the impossible to occur. A silent magic surrounded us, with everyone and everything playing its part. The ladies making him shine, the cart my annoyingly conspicuous friend was grounding me to the reality I'd known, giving me something to hold on to as I experienced the unexplainable.


The elevator doors opened

The elevator door finally opened and I breathed a sigh of relief that it ended. I pushed my cart out in the clear air - palpably different than the charged one we had just exited. Without uttering a word, I headed towards the direction of my office. I wanted to practically run to my office and drop off the big arse cart and never look at it again.

I had no desire of turning around or even glancing at John's face. Now in the clear air, I was annoyed, mad and embarrassed at the same time. “Why didn’t he speak to me?” I irritably thought to myself.

As I pushed my cart, ready at any moment to bolt to my office, I heard a quiet, timid and unsure "Excuse me."

It was John, he was speaking to me, willing me back to his presence. Willing me back to the moment.

I breathed in silently before turning around. "Yes," I said to him in the most sweetest voice I have ever heard myself use.

“You are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, would you like to go out with me sometime?" Or, maybe, he said I was the most beautiful woman he ever saw.  I don't remember which one he said to me, but it meant the same thing to me.

I was utterly stunned and shocked. It was the last thing I expected him to say after such an uncomfortable elevator ride where I practically marked him off as rude and wanted to curl up and die.

I didn't know what to say. I was caught completely off-guard. I didn't have time to breathe or think. He was waiting for my response like an unsure boy.

Here this man was, whom I thought was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, calling me the most beautiful woman and patiently standing and waiting in a hallway that was becoming crowded with people, for my response.

He did not know whether I would accept or reject him. I briefly witnessed the self-doubt embedded on his face. The decision was in my hand and I did not know what to say or do. Brief images of the guy I had just broken up with flashed before my mind and I said the only thought that came to me within the moment.

"I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend." I wanted to die. What the fuck just happened. Why the fuck would I say that. Here was the man literally of my dreams, offering himself to me and I blatantly rejected him while lying to him.

I was utterly overwhelmed in the moment, not yet having experienced the overwhelming sensation and feelings such a connection could invoke within me. I had experienced chemistry before from a distance but never this close. It left me utterly flustered and overwhelmed, not giving me time, grace or space to process all that I was feeling, and experiencing.

Disappointment

Could I tell him I was just kidding or go up to him in a few days and tell him I no longer had a boyfriend. I knew I could not. The moment had passed and I had ruined it by blabbering the first dumb thought that came to my mind.

He looked so sad and defeated. I felt his pain. He looked as though he was on the brinks of tears, and as much as I was pissed at myself for my dumb response, I felt sorry for him because he looked truly hurt.

“I understand," he said. "He's a very lucky guy." I could've died. I wanted to tell him to take me in his arms right away. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't with anyone, but it was all too late.

He turned and walked in the opposite direction of me, as I pushed my cart back to my office, feeling just as defeated as him.

Everything I had felt for him he had felt for me. Maybe that is why I had seen him around more often.

There was something about John that was so inviting yet so intimidating to me. I was usually in control whenever I was with a man, any man, but he made me feel so unsure. It was so hard to think while I was around him. I couldn't speak. The connection was too magnetic, too foreign. I didn't know the right words to say, so I said the wrong ones. It was all so new. I knew I needed to be experienced. I knew I needed to date more before I would understand how to interact with a man like him.

I didn't understand what made him different, what made me so drawn yet repelled by him. I didn't understand any of it.

Why was he different than just another pretty face. Whatever it was, it was invisible and not detected by mere sight.

I knew I wanted to be with him, just under different circumstances where I had more knowledge. Knowledge of myself, of men, and how to be comfortable and natural around him. There was just something about him that intrigued yet made me uncomfortable and intimidated by him.

All of that happened and I didn't even know his name. He didn't know mine. As close as we just were, we were now miles apart. I don't remember seeing John again that summer. I don't know if I wanted to see him again. I was mad at myself, but I knew I needed more experience to handle the chemistry between us.

Another year

Another year passed by, and summer came again and with it came John. I was excited to see him. I had dated a lot and learned a lot about myself and men. I thought, "this is it, our second chance. I know all I need to know now. This is it." I was in good spirit. Optimistic. Excited. I kept seeing brief glances of him but nothing up close. He didn't approach me, but I knew I was someone he was still interested in. I knew his previous feelings were genuine.

I finally saw John up close a few weeks after he had arrived on campus. I was walking back from the main hospital on campus, a seven-minute walk from my office. John was on the opposite side of the road, heading towards the direction of my office where I too needed to go. I knew we would eventually merge in the same direction.

He was looking at me. I knew he remembered me.

I was wearing a black knee length skirt and blue collared shirt; I was as beautiful as ever. John, himself, looked dapper in another one of his GQ suits. As I was crossing the road to get to his side where I needed to go, he stood and waited for me. "Hello, again," he said to me this time with more confidence and bravado than our previous interaction. "Hello," I said to him, bubbly and confident, matching his upbeat energy. Quite the dichotomy from the previous year where I was quiet and shy. This year, I was confident and sure and knew there was no way I would put my foot in my mouth. Boy was I in for a surprise.

Our conversation was light and hearty. It flowed naturally and was filled with smiles and laughs. We finally exchanged names on our walk back to my office. I found out he was 29, and I was now 20. He was a doctor, and professor but only taught on campus during the summers.

It was just the two of us strolling like longtime friends, catching up on what we had missed. There was a natural friendship and ease there. He finally said to me, "So, do you still have a boyfriend?" Huh, the thorn in my side.

I said confidently, "No. Can't you see how happy I am." I immediately regretted saying it. Why would I brag about being happily single as though I wasn't even open for a possible relationship with him. What the fuck!

I knew right away I had said the wrong thing. I don't know why, but for some reason I always said the wrong things around him. His presence had the ability to make me say things I had no business saying. I didn't understand it. I was usually in control with the other guys I dated. But with him, there was still something I did not know how to control within myself- my mouth (lol).

Goodbye

The time had passed between us once again and somehow, I had missed the mark, again. I could sense that he knew I wasn’t ready and accepted it within himself. But why didn't he push back, why didn't he try harder? But at the time, I resolved to thinking the fuck up was all on me. But I wonder, if he really wanted to get to know me, wouldn't he push back harder? Or would he just easily resolve and accept what I said at face value without even trying? Was the moment we shared in the elevator a random fluke or something more?

Nonetheless, I knew I was too young, too inexperienced. I knew innately we both accepted this fact without the burden of regret or sadness. Life was calling me to live it, to learn what it is that I desired to experience. It wasn’t quite time yet to be in such a romance that would leave no room for all that I still desired within myself to experience. I wanted my own successes, outside of a man; my own dating experiences I could reflect back on.

No, it was not quite time yet to be with a man like John. We both innately knew this and accepted it resolutely with no sense of regret or foreboding. Fully knowing we would each experience all that we truly desired to experience from life, with or without each other.

Nothing is ever a loss. Life itself is all about the experiences we desire to have. And as time had shown John and I on the elevator, we were its master. We had the ability to slow it down and speed it up as we desired.

Periodically, I would see John in the hallway, and he would say a pleasant hello while calling my name. During this time, I was in transition and was in the process of leaving the campus and progressing my life in a new direction.

I moved away shortly afterwards. I had felt almost stagnant being there and I did not want to be there for a third summer anticipating John's return from wherever he was hiding the rest of the year. I strongly desired my own successes, adventures and life experiences, too. I didn't want to be someone who was merely in his shadow or anybody else shadow with nothing to call my own. I wanted to be the star in my own life. I wanted my own dignity and self-respect. I wanted to try succeeding in the world on my own terms. I didn't just want to be a man's wife and woman. I needed my own life, my own accomplishments. I wanted my own stories and life experiences I could share with him. At the moment, I had nothing. I had lived a pretty sheltered life at that point.

I never did see him again. However, I eventually learned what I needed to learn about myself, men and why I felt the way I felt around John.

Men like John exudes a kind of alpha masculinity and quiet femininity that is quite alluring. Many of them have mastered the art of subtle seduction and can easily captivate a woman.

Yet for John, I think it may have been something more than that. Something more tender and soft. Something more evolved. A Divine kind of masculinity.

Or maybe he was simply a memory, a reminder from a time and place long before.

I did say I never saw John again, but that's not exactly true. I saw him soon enough and this time I was ready. But that's another story for later...


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