The elevator door finally opened and I breathed a sigh of relief that it ended. I pushed my cart out in the clear air - palpably different than the charged one we had just exited. Without uttering a word, I headed towards the direction of my office. I wanted to practically run to my office and drop off the big arse cart and never look at it again.

I had no desire of turning around or even glancing at John's face. Now in the clear air, I was annoyed, mad and embarrassed at the same time. “Why didn’t he speak to me?” I irritably thought to myself.

As I pushed my cart, ready at any moment to bolt to my office, I heard a quiet, timid and unsure "Excuse me."

It was John, he was speaking to me, willing me back to his presence. Willing me back to the moment.

I breathed in silently before turning around. "Yes," I said to him in the most sweetest voice I have ever heard myself use.

“You are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, would you like to go out with me sometime?" Or, maybe, he said I was the most beautiful woman he ever saw.  I don't remember which one he said to me, but it meant the same thing to me.

I was utterly stunned and shocked. It was the last thing I expected him to say after such an uncomfortable elevator ride where I practically marked him off as rude and wanted to curl up and die.

I didn't know what to say. I was caught completely off-guard. I didn't have time to breathe or think. He was waiting for my response like an unsure boy.

Here this man was, whom I thought was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, calling me the most beautiful woman and patiently standing and waiting in a hallway that was becoming crowded with people, for my response.

He did not know whether I would accept or reject him. I briefly witnessed the self-doubt embedded on his face. The decision was in my hand and I did not know what to say or do. Brief images of the guy I had just broken up with flashed before my mind and I said the only thought that came to me within the moment.

"I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend." I wanted to die. What the fuck just happened. Why the fuck would I say that. Here was the man literally of my dreams, offering himself to me and I blatantly rejected him while lying to him.

I was utterly overwhelmed in the moment, not yet having experienced the overwhelming sensation and feelings such a connection could invoke within me. I had experienced chemistry before from a distance but never this close. It left me utterly flustered and overwhelmed, not giving me time, grace or space to process all that I was feeling, and experiencing.

The time had passed between us once again and somehow, I had missed the mark, again. I could sense that he knew I wasn’t ready and accepted it within himself. But why didn't he push back, why didn't he try harder? But at the time, I resolved to thinking the fuck up was all on me. But I wonder, if he really wanted to get to know me, wouldn't he push back harder? Or would he just easily resolve and accept what I said at face value without even trying? Was the moment we shared in the elevator a random fluke or something more?

Nonetheless, I knew I was too young, too inexperienced. I knew innately we both accepted this fact without the burden of regret or sadness. Life was calling me to live it, to learn what it is that I desired to experience. It wasn’t quite time yet to be in such a romance that would leave no room for all that I still desired within myself to experience. I wanted my own successes, outside of a man; my own dating experiences I could reflect back on.

No, it was not quite time yet to be with a man like John. We both innately knew this and accepted it resolutely with no sense of regret or foreboding. Fully knowing we would each experience all that we truly desired to experience from life, with or without each other.

Nothing is ever a loss. Life itself is all about the experiences we desire to have. And as time had shown John and I on the elevator, we were its master. We had the ability to slow it down and speed it up as we desired.

Periodically, I would see John in the hallway, and he would say a pleasant hello while calling my name. During this time, I was in transition and was in the process of leaving the campus and progressing my life in a new direction.

I moved away shortly afterwards. I had felt almost stagnant being there and I did not want to be there for a third summer anticipating John's return from wherever he was hiding the rest of the year. I strongly desired my own successes, adventures and life experiences, too. I didn't want to be someone who was merely in his shadow or anybody else shadow with nothing to call my own. I wanted to be the star in my own life. I wanted my own dignity and self-respect. I wanted to try succeeding in the world on my own terms. I didn't just want to be a man's wife and woman. I needed my own life, my own accomplishments. I wanted my own stories and life experiences I could share with him. At the moment, I had nothing. I had lived a pretty sheltered life at that point.

I never did see him again. However, I eventually learned what I needed to learn about myself, men and why I felt the way I felt around John.

Men like John exudes a kind of alpha masculinity and quiet femininity that is quite alluring. Many of them have mastered the art of subtle seduction and can easily captivate a woman.

Yet for John, I think it may have been something more than that. Something more tender and soft. Something more evolved. A Divine kind of masculinity.

Or maybe he was simply a memory, a reminder from a time and place long before.

I did say I never saw John again, but that's not exactly true. I saw him soon enough and this time I was ready. But that's another story for later...