David

Wednesday, May 08, 2024

truth about Fatherless Men

I met David in that place many moons ago, and like the others I've encountered during that time, each one has left a distinct impression on me. It's not about the duration of our acquaintance, but it's the little touches felt that leave a lasting impression. David touched me in ways I never anticipated, despite only one date. What set him apart was his genuine interest in getting to know me, his patience, and his willingness to let our connection evolve naturally. He was the final chapter of that period in my life, and just like the rest, when I closed the door on that chapter, I closed it on him too.

David was sweet, kind, shy, happy-go-lucky, and he had the biggest crush on me. But as shy as he was, there was also an inner boldness and passion to him that set him apart. He wasn't afraid to talk to me when many others were, and he took my rejection in stride, never giving up, and even choosing to be my friend to stay close to me. His resilience and unwavering support were qualities I deeply admired. In a world fixated on instant gratification, David's persistence and sincerity stood out to me. His ability to maintain a positive outlook, despite challenges resonated with me. He did not let anything get him down for too long. He would simply float in the moment, as I did. We had much in common in that way and were kindred spirits in our approach to life.

Every time I was around him, I felt light and happy. It was so easy and fun to be around him. His presence brought out a lighthearted and playful side of my personality. I would rattle off playful jabs directed at him that he took in stride, never letting it affect him or turning it around on me. He embraced my playfulness with a smile on his face. "You're like an old man, David," I would say to him.

"I'm 25, Simone."

"I know, an old man," I would tease.

He would smile and simply give in to my playful banter. I really appreciated how David handled my jokes with grace, never letting them bother him or trying to start a debate over trivial matters. He simply let me be. His ability to engage with humor and grace, without taking offense was something I cherished.

I think what I liked about him versus an annoying guy who would continue to be down my back even after I’ve told him I didn’t want to go out with him was that David didn't suffocate me. He was never in my face too much where I couldn’t breathe. I think it’s because he had his own life to live, own studies to focus on, so when we did meet, enough time had passed by for it to be a pleasant experience which kept the novelty there. We’d meet at random, unplanned moments doing what we loved, or being where we would organically be. Weeks would stretch by, even months before we saw each other again and when we did, it would be like there wasn’t any time span between the last moments we saw each other and now. We would pick up exactly where we left off.

We often crossed paths at the gym or around the track, as fitness enthusiasts. Although I thought I excelled more in fitness than him, and I’m sure he’d agree. That's one thing I really liked about David, too, he didn't mind me being the star. He didn't mind me excelling past him. He had his own accomplishments of course, and at that time they eclipsed my own, but I could sense by the way he was with me that he would root for me no matter what, even if my accomplishments had surpassed his own. It was never a competition between us, I liked that. I always felt so at ease with him. Unlike the others then, with David, I felt our presence were equally matched. We didn't take ourselves too seriously and we didn't let our circumstances, experiences or accomplishments define us, we simply were.

“So, Simone, do you still not want a boyfriend,” he would ask me inquisitively in a playful manner when he saw me again.

“Yes. I don’t, not yet,” I would smile and tell him.

“Ok, well, you know I’m here when you do,” he’d reply back, making me smile within. He played by his own rules. I feel men are told they shouldn't be like this with women and should be more macho or whatever, but I think this works. I liked this approach, and David was the only one doing it. He wasn't too caught up in his ego or letting what I or anyone else say get him down.

If there’s one thing about David, he was consistent and he always made me smile, almost without even trying. He wasn’t a clown or a goofball, but something about his presence made me feel joyful and light. His presence put me at ease, equally matching my own, which is an interesting notion as his accomplishments were similar to the rest I'd dated then, yet it didn't define him as it did them. At the time, even though I had such a pleasant experience being around David,  I didn’t interpret my feelings for him as anything romantic, at least, not yet. I simply enjoyed his company whenever we were around each other, and when we weren’t, I didn’t think about him in those moments.  

Walk

One cold, wet, snowy day, as I left work, I passed David waiting for the underground shuttle. Despite adverse weather conditions, I opted to walk. We saw each other and said a quick greeting.

The shuttle had just pulled up and David asked me if I was catching it.

“No, I’m going to walk” I told him.

“Wow, in this crazy weather,” he replied.

“Yep,” I said, knowing I would probably be the only one walking on that day. But it was what I wanted to do. I’d learn since arriving at that job to enjoy my own company, not having my siblings or friends there with me to depend on. I’d learn to eat lunch on my own, walk to where I wanted to go on my own and just to be content with my own presence and doing things on my own. On that day I simply wanted to walk and breathe in the fresh air after being cooped up in the office all day.

The shuttle was packed as everyone made their way on.

David looked down at his feet. He was wearing tennis shoes, and a light jacket. He must’ve just came back from working out.

I was decked out in my full winter gear, heavy jacket, winter boots, gloves, hat the whole nine yards.

“Oh, what the heck. I’ll walk there with you too,”he said.

“Are you sure David, you really don’t have to. I don’t mind walking by myself and I’m dressed for it,” I told him.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he said decisively.

And with that, the bus drove off, leaving us to our walk.

We laughed, joked and bantered all the way to the train station. It was always such a joy being around him and I was happy he had chosen to come on the walk with me. It made it even that much more enjoyable. Solitude is beautiful but having someone else share in the moment is another beauty in itself.

But poor David, by the time we got to the train station his feet were soaked, and he was shivering cold, although he tried to hide it as much as he could. I felt bad for him, not to mention the train station wasn’t his final destination.

“David, I feel so bad. Maybe I should’ve just taken the shuttle with you," I told him. "I knew the weather was bad but I didn’t realize it was this bad,” I continued.

“It was all worth it, Simone to get to talk to you,” he replied through clench teeth with a genuine smile on his face.

He always had a way of making me feel special.

I really admired how David was and how he lived his life almost by his own rule book, not adhering to anyone’s notion of what one should or shouldn’t do. He was as genuine as they came. He did because he chose to do. His walk to the train station with me, ill-prepared definitely touched me and made me feel even more warmly towards him.

With all of our interactions I was slowly starting to look at David differently. But I still didn’t think of him romantically. He wasn’t unattractive or anything like that, he was just someone I’d never thought I would date as we were different races.

 But then we'd have little synchronous moments as though the Universe was conspiring on our behalf. I'd see David in unexpected places that would pleasantly surprise the both of us. How'd we both end us here at the same time, on a day neither of us was following our traditional routine, I'd think to myself. 

The Realization

Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that I really really liked David. It came so suddenly that I had to leave my workout to go to the bathroom to cry. I wasn’t crying because I liked him lol. No, it was because it was such an intense feeling of knowing that suddenly came over me all at once. The emotions of all that I felt filling every part of me and at the most unexpected time.

In that moment, there was no one else in the world that mattered more to me than him. There was no one else in the world that I wanted to be with but him. If I had any previous crushes before that moment, they all disappeared. It was that intense and it hit me all at once and so unexpectedly. It was almost like certain parts of me (my mind) was repressing what I felt for David and then suddenly it hit me spilling out and merging with every other part of me that had known it all along.

I was in the gym working out and David was there. In between our workout we caught up with each other.

“Hey Simone,” he greeted.

“Hey David, what’s up,” I responded. By this time, we had known each other for over a year.

“Guess what?” he shared.

“What?” I asked.

“I met someone. She goes to my church, and we’re going on a date this Saturday.”

Although I expected myself to genuinely feel happy for him, deep down, a surge of emotions I had not acknowledged surfaced within me. I didn’t think I was one of those girls who would “start” liking a guy just because someone else liked him. I don’t think that was the case. I think it was that I had started to like David, but I hadn’t yet admitted it to myself. So when he told me he was going on a date, it was almost like all the parts of myself suddenly caught up and merged as one to let me know that I really liked him.

Up until this point, I had absolutely no idea I liked David more than just a friend.

I think I muttered a “Good for you David, I’m happy for you,” not yet quite knowing how to process the intense feelings I was having. But then it hit me so hard that I had to run to the restroom and cry, cutting my workout short.

Oh my gosh, I like David, like really like him. All of myself had finally aligned with the emotions I had been suppressing. It wasn’t that I was playing hard to get or coy with David. I really honestly didn’t consciously know I’d developed such intense feelings for him until that day. It was like one moment he was my fun acquaintance/friend who I could laugh and have lighthearted banter with and the next moment there was such an intense feeling of like/love and desire for him romantically.

This sudden flood of feelings left me reeling, making me realize that he had unknowingly captured my heart.

I couldn’t think about anyone else but him. I’d get butterflies whenever I’d think about him. When did it happen? I’d think to myself. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly my feelings for him had first started to change or what was the catalyst that made me feel so intensely towards him. I think it was all the little moments we shared together that added up. I silently hoped his date didn’t go well.

Dreams

In the days following I’d daydream about David. I wanted to share all of me with him. I wanted to have him read my favorite novel and get his take on it. I’ve met many, dated many before and after David but he was the only one I’d imagine sharing that part of myself with. I’d imagine him reading my novel and then having a fun banter together about it. I'd picture him being surprised and piqued that I would like such a harsh story. I eagerly anticipated a time when I could share this part of me with him, possibly during the summer break when he had fewer academic commitments.

When we met again weeks later my first question was about his date.

"How was your date, David?" I asked.

“It was okay,” he responded. “But we ended it. She was too quiet, it was awkward. She wasn’t you, Simone.”

The warmth I felt upon hearing those words from David was indescribable. Finally, it seemed like we were on the same page.

"That's good, I'm glad to hear it." I smiled at him as we looked at each other knowing something had changed but not yet voicing it.

A few days later, I encountered David in my office, a location not ideal for students. He was meeting with the advisor board due to academic struggles, seeking their approval to continue his studies. Unaware of his academic challenges until then, my heart went out to him.

My coworker and best friend was reassuring him all would be well as she did with the other students who came in. I silently thanked her.

After his meeting, I coincidentally met him downstairs in that hallway where all the magic seemed to happen. It was the same hallway where John and I had encountered each other face to face before the elevator ride, and where Anankoni had held the door open for me. Now David and I found our way there as if guided by fate.

He was still in his dress uniform.

"Hi Simone," he said, I could tell he felt a bit awkward after what had just transpired in my office.

"Hi David," I said warmly and sympathetically, my care for him warming my intonation. We stood facing each other, closer than ever before in the warmth of the hallway. 

We both knew the time had arrived.

"Would you like to go out with me this Saturday?"

"Yes," I told him.

But I think something about the timing wasn’t right energetically. In the sense that the tone of the day was already stressful and negative, so it probably wasn’t the best time for him to ask me out. But at the time neither of us was none the wiser.

Our date proceeded well, lighthearted and upbeat yet it lacked a certain depth but it was only our first date so I didn't think too much about it.

David was still his happy go lucky self with absolutely no care in the world, but something about it this time rubbed me the wrong way. It was as though what transpired in my office never happened at all, out of sight, out of mind but more than that. I can't really explain it except that how he was, you would never know something else was going on with him. And I guess in a sense that could be good, but then it felt false to me. Like how could he totally disconnect from that side of himself completely when we were both aware of it. It felt like someone who could totally unplug himself in such a way or doesn't even acknowledge the elephant in the room could live a double life and I wouldn't be the wiser. Like who is he, and how could he completely compartmentalize and and separate from what was going on in his life. He laughed and talked with a childish innocence as though there were absolutely no care in the world. And I believed it, I believed him, but that was what was scary to me. You know, like a serial killer could disconnect and live double lives. Not saying I felt serial killer vibe but that was how palpable the disconnect was. 

And why the hell was he dating when he needed to concentrate on his studies. I thought he had his priorities wrong and his focus was iffy.

David's dismissal about his academic troubles, coupled with his focus on dating instead of his studies, unsettled me. His apparent lack of concern for his future and the superficial nature of our date raised concerns.

The disconnect between his actions and responsibilities started to erode the admiration I once held for him.

I remember thinking if I was in that same position I couldn’t be that lax about the situation much less focusing on dating someone. He was just too blasé about the whole situation. I just felt like I cared more about his future than he did which was a turn off.

As David continued to have meetings with the advisory board in my office, he maintained a facade of normalcy afterward. His reluctance to address his challenges or share his inner feelings made our interactions feel superficial. It became evident to me that he might be using our time together as a distraction from his reality, a realization that left me disheartened.

It was almost like he lived in a delusional state. I don’t know. It wasn’t him failing med school that was the issue for me, honestly. But it was how he acted about the whole thing as though it wasn’t happening and that all was well. He continued to ask me out when he should probably be studying but maybe he had already accepted his fate, but if he did, he didn’t share it with me. I started to feel as though he was using me as a distraction to get away from his own reality and I didn’t want anyone to use me for anything much less as a distraction to what’s going on in their life.

The disparity between his outward demeanor and internal turmoil highlighted a fundamental misalignment in our expectations and values. I realized that our relationship lacked the depth and honesty I sought.

Things had gotten too complicated with David and my feelings towards him started to shift. In the midst of this, I started to also feel restless about my job. I’d only wanted to be there for a year and I was now there for two years. I started to resent it too. It was like my feelings and everything around me was telling me it was time to go. From Steven to John to now David.

Honestly, I would’ve stayed longer for David if he had taken what was going on in his life more seriously or at least conveyed his feelings about what was going on in his life to me. It all just started to feel disingenuous as though there were two parts of him that he would never merge, acknowledge, or share with me, forever keeping them separately in their own little boxes. I didn’t like that. I knew I didn’t want to go on another date with him just as I knew there were no more tethers holding me to that place. I started to energetically disengage from everything there, including David. 

Endings

I moved away shortly afterwards, closing the door on that chapter of my life for good. Yet for David, I kept in touch with him, not wanting to end the connection completely. But while I maintained contact with David for a while, it became apparent that our connection was veering towards a surface-level acquaintance rather than a deep, meaningful connection. David continued to be his happy-go-lucky self, not sharing any of the ups and downs of his life with me, thus making me feel as though I couldn’t share my ups and downs either. There were some difficult times I wished I could’ve counted on his friendship to talk me through, but I didn’t feel I could share it with him since he had closed me off from that part of himself. The one-sided nature of our interactions, where only pleasant aspects of life were shared, left me feeling isolated in my own struggles, unable to confide in him as he had closed off that part of himself to me.

My coworker told me that he would be leaving the University, none of which David shared with me. He was living a double life. David's reluctance to share his vulnerabilities and fears painted a picture of emotional detachment that I found difficult to reconcile. With him I could only share the pleasantries of life, pretending nothing else was happening.

“I just came from a modeling audition, David.”

“That’s nice, Simone,” I could feel his smile from behind the phone.

But what I really wanted to share with him was how tough my day was, how long and overbearing the auditions were to not get chosen, or how alone I felt living in a new city on my own away from my family and everyone I knew. But I couldn’t share any of it with him. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I felt he wouldn’t want me to. How could he if he couldn’t even come to grasp with what was going on in his own life.

In love, pride has no place. While independence is important, shutting out facets of oneself and one's experiences can lead to a lack of genuine connection. Despite David getting to know and care for me, his reluctance to share his vulnerabilities prevented me from reciprocating the same level of trust and intimacy. It felt as though he wanted me to see only a curated version of himself, which left me yearning for a more authentic and open connection where both of us could be truly seen and understood. Maybe he only wanted to be the hero in my eyes or to shield me from his inner feelings, but that was not the type of relationship I desired. I wanted to know all of him, not just the parts he felt I would like. And I wanted him to know all of me. I don’t feel he gave me the chance to know him and maybe he simply didn’t know how to and I can't fault him for that. I can't fault him for being where he was on his journey, but it was not where I was and I desired a more authentic connection. Soon enough, the time came when I no longer reached out to him or answered his calls. Where I was, his facade could no longer reach. And in my own way I mourned for him but I wasn’t sorry about any of it.

Despite the bittersweet conclusion of our story, I cherished the moments of joy and camaraderie shared with David. Our journey, though fraught with challenges and misalignment, served as a poignant reminder of the complexities of human connections and the importance of genuine communication and alignment.

As I bid farewell to that chapter of my life, I carried with me the lessons learned and the resolve to seek relationships built on honesty, vulnerability, connection and mutual respect. Through the highs and lows, I unearthed truths about myself, my desires, and the kind of relationships I aspired to cultivate. For that, I am thankful to David and all others who have shared this journey with me, in their own way, they've brought me closer to myself and my true essence, helping me to merge completely with who I am.

P.S.

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