One cold, wet, snowy day, as I left work, I passed David waiting for the underground shuttle. Despite the adverse weather condition, I opted to walk. We saw each other and said a quick greeting.

The shuttle had just pulled up and David asked me if I was catching it.

“No, I’m going to walk” I told him.

“Wow, in this crazy weather,” he replied.

“Yep,” I said, knowing I would probably be the only one walking that day. But it was what I wanted to do. I’d learn since arriving at that job to enjoy my own company, not having my siblings or friends there with me to depend on. I’d learn to eat lunch on my own, walk to where I wanted to go on my own and just to be content with my own presence and doing things on my own. On that day I simply wanted to walk and breathe in the fresh air after being cooped up in the office all day.

The shuttle was packed as everyone made their way on.

David looked down at his feet. He was wearing tennis shoes, and a light jacket. He must’ve just came back from working out.

I was decked out in my full winter gear, heavy jacket, winter boots, gloves, hat the whole nine yards.

“Oh, what the heck. I’ll walk there with you too,” he said.

“Are you sure David, you really don’t have to. I don’t mind walking by myself and I’m dressed for it,” I told him.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he said decisively.

And with that, the bus drove off, leaving us to our walk.

We laughed, joked and bantered all the way to the train station. It was always such a joy being around him and I was happy he had chosen to come on the walk with me. It made it even that much more enjoyable. Solitude is beautiful but having someone else share in the moment is another beauty in itself.

But poor David, by the time we got to the train station his feet were soaked, and he was shivering cold, although he tried to hide it as much as he could. I felt bad for him, not to mention the train station wasn’t his final destination.

“David, I feel so bad. Maybe I should’ve just taken the shuttle with you," I told him. "I knew the weather was bad but I didn’t realize it was this bad,” I continued.

“It was all worth it, Simone to get to talk to you,” he replied through clench teeth with a genuine smile on his face.

He always had a way of making me feel special.

I really admired how David was and how he lived his life almost by his own rule book, not adhering to anyone’s notion of what one should or shouldn’t do. He was as genuine as they came. He did because he chose to do. His walk to the train station with me, ill-prepared definitely touched me and made me feel even more warmly towards him.

With all of our interactions I was slowly starting to look at David differently. But I still didn’t think of him romantically. He wasn’t unattractive or anything like that, he was just someone I’d never thought I would date as we were different races.

 But then we'd have little synchronous moments as though the Universe was conspiring on our behalf. I'd see David in unexpected places that would pleasantly surprise the both of us. How'd we both end us here at the same time, on a day neither of us was following our traditional routine, I'd think to myself. 
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Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that I really really liked David. It came so suddenly that I had to leave my workout to go to the bathroom to cry. I wasn’t crying because I liked him lol. No, it was because it was such an intense feeling of knowing that suddenly came over me all at once. The emotions of all that I felt filling every part of me and at the most unexpected time.

In that moment, there was no one else in the world that mattered more to me than him. There was no one else in the world that I wanted to be with but him. If I had any previous crushes before that moment, they all disappeared. It was that intense and it hit me all at once and so unexpectedly. It was almost like certain parts of myself (my mind) was repressing what I felt for David and then suddenly it hit me, spilling out and merging with every other part of myself that had known it all along.

It happened while I  was working out in the small intimate gym I often found myself.  David was already there as I walked in. In between our workout we caught up with each other.

“Hey Simone,” he greeted.

“Hey David, what’s up,” I responded. By this time, we had known each other for over a year.

“Guess what?” he shared.

“What?” I asked.

“I met someone. She goes to my church, and we’re going on a date this Saturday.”

Although I expected myself to genuinely feel happy for him, deep down, a surge of emotions I had not acknowledged surfaced within me. I didn’t think I was one of those girls who would “start” liking a guy just because someone else liked him. I don’t think that was the case. I think it was that I had started to like David, but I hadn’t yet admitted it to myself. So when he told me he was going on a date, it was almost like all the parts of myself suddenly caught up and merged as one to let me know that I really liked him.

Up until this point, I had absolutely no idea I liked David more than just a friend.

I think I muttered a “Good for you David, I’m happy for you,” not yet quite knowing how to process the intense feelings I was having. But then it hit me so hard that I had to run to the restroom and cry, cutting my workout short.

Oh my gosh, I like David, like really like him. All of myself had finally aligned with the emotions I had been unknowingly suppressing. It wasn’t that I was playing hard to get or coy with David. I really honestly consciously didn't know I’d developed such intense feelings for him until that day in the gym. It was like one moment he was my fun acquaintance/friend who I could laugh and have lighthearted banter with and the next moment there was such an intense feeling of like/love and desire for him romantically.

This sudden flood of feelings left me reeling, making me realize that he had undoubtedly captured my heart.

I couldn’t think about anyone else but him. I’d get butterflies whenever I thought about him. When did it happen? I’d think to myself. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment my feelings for him started to change or what was the catalyst that made me feel so intensely towards him. I think it was all the little moments we shared together that added up. I silently hoped his date didn’t go well.
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In the days following I’d daydream about David. I wanted to share all of myself with him. I wanted to have him read my favorite novel and get his take on it. I’ve met many, dated many before and after David but he was the only one I’d imagine sharing that part of myself with. I’d imagine him reading my novel and then having a fun banter together about it. I'd picture him being surprised and piqued that I would like such a harsh story. I eagerly anticipated a time when I could share this part of me with him, possibly during the summer break when he had fewer academic commitments.

When we met again weeks later my first question was about his date.

"How was your date, David?" I asked him.

“It was okay,” he responded. “But we ended it. She was too quiet, and I was quiet, it was awkward. She wasn’t you, Simone.”

The warmth I felt upon hearing those words from David was indescribable. Finally, it seemed like we were on the same page.

"That's good, I'm glad to hear it." I smiled at him as our eyes lingered on each other knowing something had changed but not yet voicing it.

A few days later, I encountered David in my office, a location not ideal for students. He was meeting with the advisory board due to academic struggles, seeking their approval to continue his studies. Unaware of his academic challenges until then, my heart went out to him.

My coworker and best friend was reassuring him all would be well as she did with the other students who came in. I silently thanked her.

After his meeting, I coincidentally met him downstairs in that hallway where all the magic seemed to happen. It was the same hallway where John and I had encountered each other face to face before the elevator ride, and where Anankoni had held the door open for me. Now David and I found our way there as if guided by fate.

He was still in his dress uniform.

"Hi Simone," he said, I could tell he felt a bit awkward after what had just transpired in my office.

"Hi David," I said warmly and sympathetically, my care for him warming my intonation. We stood facing each other, closer than ever before in the warmth of the hallway. 

We both knew the time had arrived.

"Would you like to go out with me this Saturday?"

"Yes," I told him without any hesitation.

But I think something about the timing wasn’t right energetically. In the sense that the tone of the day was already stressful and negative, so it probably wasn’t the best time for him to ask me out. But at the time neither of us was none the wiser.

Our date proceeded well, lighthearted and upbeat yet it lacked a certain depth but it was only our first date so I didn't think too much about it.

David was still his happy go lucky self with absolutely no care in the world, but something about it this time rubbed me the wrong way. It was as though what transpired in my office never happened at all, out of sight, out of mind but more than that. I can't really explain it, except that how he was, you would never know something else was going on with him. And I guess in a sense that could be good, but then it felt false to me. Like how could he totally disconnect from that side of himself when we were both aware of it.

It felt like someone who could totally unplug himself in such a way or doesn't even acknowledge the elephant in the room could live a double life and I wouldn't be the wiser. Like who is he, and how could he completely compartmentalize and separate himself from what was going on in his life. He laughed and talked with a childish innocence as though there were absolutely no care in the world. And I believed it, I believed him, but that was what was scary to me. You know, like a serial killer could disconnect and live a double life. Not saying I felt serial killer vibe from him, but I believed everything he was saying, yet my mind and reality knew it wasn't real based on what had transpired in my office. That was how palpable his disconnect was. I guess I wished he could've been more vulnerable with me in that moment, or at least cleared the air instead of acting like nothing was happening when "I was in the room when it happened" (Alexander play reference)   

And why the hell was he dating when he needed to concentrate on his studies. I thought he had his priorities wrong and his focus was iffy. His apparent lack of concern for his future and the superficial nature of our date raised concerns.

The disconnect between his actions and responsibilities started to erode the admiration I once held for him.

I remember thinking, if I was in that same position I couldn’t be that lax about the situation much less focusing on dating someone. He was just too blasé about the whole situation. I just felt like I cared more about his future than he did, which was a turn off.

As David continued to have meetings with the advisory board in my office, he maintained a facade of normalcy afterward. His reluctance to address his challenges or share his inner feelings made our interactions feel superficial.

It was almost like he lived in a delusional state. I don’t know. It wasn’t him failing med school that was the issue for me, honestly. But it was how he acted about the whole thing as though it wasn’t happening and that all was well. He continued to ask me out when he probably should've been more concerned about studying but maybe he had already accepted his fate, but if he did, he didn’t share it with me. I started to feel as though he was using me as a distraction to get away from his own reality and I didn’t want anyone to use me for anything much less as a distraction to what’s going on in their life.

The disparity between his outward demeanor and internal turmoil highlighted a fundamental misalignment in our expectations and values. I realized that our connection lacked the depth and honesty I sought.

Things had gotten too complicated with David and my feelings towards him started to shift. In the midst of this, I started to also feel restless about my job. I’d only wanted to be there for a year and I was now there for two years. I started to resent it too. It was like my feelings and everything around me was telling me it was time to go, from Steven to John to now David.

Honestly, I would’ve stayed longer for David if he had taken what was going on in his life more seriously or at least conveyed his feelings about what was going on to me. It all just started to feel disingenuous as though there were two parts of him that he would never merge, acknowledge, or share with me, forever keeping them separately in their own little boxes. I didn’t like that. I knew I didn’t want to go on another date with him just as I knew there were no more tethers holding me to that place. I started to energetically disengage from everything there, including David. 
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