At all times, I am choosing. Even in a marriage, I am still choosing. Choosing to be there, choosing to show up, choosing to be actively present.

​What gets people (usually men) in trouble in their marriage is no longer choosing to be present, thus taking the other for granted. Yes, they are still in the marriage, still faithful, still doing what they like to do or must do, e.g., going to work, cooking, cleaning, etc. But they are no longer present or there in the marriage. They are now on autopilot. They have literally and figuratively parked their asses down and are on lazy mode, thinking the marriage/relationship will take care of itself. #Not.

I will leave any relationship for this reason and have. I will not carry around the weight of a big lazy bum. Take me or our relationship for granted at any point, and your ass and whatever title you come with will get dropped. No ifs, ands, or buts. No apologies about it either.

This is the reason why you hear so many women frustrated and leaving relationships with “good” men and the “nice” guys (aka he doesn’t cheat and does the providing). These lazy men do the bare minimum to make them look productive enough and not like the bad guy. But emotionally, they are checked out. Intellectually, they are checked out. Spiritually (nothing to do with religion or following religious dogma), they are checked out. “Ohh, but I don’t understand why she’s leaving me.” Fucking dumbasses, if you ask me (lol).

People forget they can get dropped. And I don’t understand this. I really don’t. Like a title or any accolades doesn’t mean your ass can’t get left. So, I’m not sure where the disillusionment comes in. Putting in the bare minimum in a relationship will get your ass dropped.
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​I think all women should leave these types of men/husbands. They are nothing but emotional freeloaders who use women to look normal and to hide their incompetence. In nature, these men would simply get left behind; there would be no space given to them to carry on their genes.

I’ve said to a man before, “Tell me what you’re doing for me that you think is so fucking great.”

Him: “Huh, I go to work. I pay the bills. I take out the trash. I cook for you. I get you what you want.”

Now, that all sounds like he’s captain save a ho, doesn’t it? Sure, it looks good to the naked eye. But that was all he was coming with. A fancy job yet he had no intellectual problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, and anything else aside from what he listed off.

Me: “You had that job before me, during me, and if I leave right now, you’ll have that job after me. You going to work isn’t for me; it’s FOR YOU! Now, does your job secondhand benefit or contribute to my life? Yes. But you’re not doing it for me. And as far as taking out the trash and cooking for me, thanks, but those are all things you would have to do for yourself regardless if I am here or not. Gifts or getting me things are bare minimum maintenance of me being here in the relationship with you. But what else are you doing outside of that?”

He couldn’t comprehend what I meant, what I needed, and what else was expected of him in the relationship outside of those material objects and things to point at. Literally like a robot who was programmed to be a spouse. “Go to work, pay the bills, take out the trash, fuck every now and then, kiss her good morning, buy her gifts every now and then, then park your ass on the couch and watch TV and let the rest of the relationship take care of itself miraculously.”

This is the fallacy of the male partner; this is what the majority of these men are coming with. And yes, maybe for the first couple of men you experience like this after being in survival mode, or being with toxic men or the 50/50 brigade, this is great. But what happens when you’re no longer surviving and you want to build an actual, genuine, loving, physically, emotionally, and spiritually supportive and intimate relationship?

Can they show up? Do they have the skills to show up? What I’m finding is the majority of these men are not equipped with these fundamental and basic skills. They think a good relationship involves them merely being the good guy (aka, not cheating), providing, and taking out the trash. Yes, those are all great, thank you for doing that. But that is not what it takes to be in a relationship.

-You need connection (not just being there), intimacy (not just fucking or some foreplay here and there).

-You need emotional connection/depth, you need your heart open, you need a willingness to share of yourself outside the mundane surface-level shit of who annoyed you at work today.

-What the fuck are your dreams, aspirations, fears?

-What caused you pain, what makes you happy, what brings joy to your heart?

-Where are you going spiritually, what do you believe in?

How do you want to evolve? How do you want to connect with yourself, me, and others? This is all outside the realm of paying bills or dumping fucking trash. It takes an ability to think and to go within self.
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These aren't questions to be asked or rattled off hastily. Instead, it's about having a willingness to share these deeper aspects of yourself at the right time and moment, to foster connection, trust and intimacy in the relationship. Sharing vulnerabilities, when the time is right, signals a deeper trust and a genuine desire to continue the relationship authentically and progressively.

And, ladies, many of these men are not equipped. If I could be gay, I would be. These men are honestly lacking. I won’t say all because I’ve met some amazing men, especially the ones I connect with spiritually. But as far as the mass of them in the 3d, they are lacking majorly. If the depth of their conversation involves “but I pay” or “what is a woman bringing to the table because I buy or pay for dinner,” blah blah blah, I don’t even look at them. If they think paying is all it takes, they haven’t even scratched the surface of what it takes to be in a relationship.

A man who thinks all he has to do is provide in a relationship or has a chip on his shoulder about providing is getting away with murder. He hasn’t even begun to scratch the surface of who he is.

I need men to know, merely being a provider isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. Develop your motherfucking self, not just materially but in all ways: emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically. Come to the woman already built and established (not just financially or materially). Go to a fucking therapist to work out your childhood traumas and abandonment issues. Develop yourself instead of just chasing a bag, or a means to wet your dick.

Now, I do have some compassion for men because of the competitive nature of patriarchy and the need to be financially adept and stable. But in another sense, this is the fucking world THEY created for themselves. Under a matriarchy, it wouldn’t be like this. Or better yet, in a more balanced society of both the yin and yang, the focus would not be merely on the material. It would first and foremost be on self-development in all areas, especially through the connection with source (this has nothing to do with any religion, albeit people can practice whatever they choose) that allows the inflow of abundance.

If men would stop traumatizing women (and themselves) or placing us in situations where we must be in survival mode, mainly due to them not contributing and leaving women to bear the burdens of their co-decisions (e.g., single mothers), then women would be there to teach their children these fundamental skills. Such as how to be emotionally balanced, the art of meditation, and self-regulation. But no, here we are too busy carrying men’s ineptness that these fundamental and necessary building blocks of life are put on the back burner. Now women must raise themselves as best as they can, raise their children, and then turn around and raise these lazy bum of men. I think the fuck not. One of these things must go, and if y’all don’t know which one it is, let me be blunt—it’s the lazy bums.